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میرم نت. سرچ میکنم: «پیامک تبریک روز مرد». از بین تمام تالارها و انجمنها و سایتهای جورواجوری که باز میکنم، فقط توی یکیش چهار تا جملهی بهدردبخور پیدا میشه. بقیهش کـَلکـَلهای یه عده دختر و پسر تقریبا بچهست، که جهت روکمکنی همدیگه هی پای جنسیت رو کشیدهاند وسط…
با کتک میبرندم جلسه. آخه منتظرم خبر قبولیش توی کنکور رو بهم بده. حواسم به همهچیز هست، غیر از موضوع جلسه! شما فکر میکنید وقتی من منتظر خبریام، اپسیلونی تمرکز دارم؟! اختیار دارید! … یه sms میاد. هی منتظر فرصتم که ببینم بالاخره کی و کجا قراره مهمونی بده!
وقتی دو نفر از سران، مشغول گیسوگیسکشی هستن و بقیه هم با صرف چای همراهیشون میکنن، به طرز مخفیانهای گوشی رو از قرنطینه در میارم. خودشه؛ دوستم، فرزانه. نوشته: «زندگی آنقدر ابدی نیست که بتوان مهربانی را به فردا انداخت. پس بیا ببخشیمشان.» به اینجاش که میرسم، ژست متفکرانهای اخذ میکنم و با خودم میگم: “راست میگه. خوب نیست آدم کینهای باشه. پس فلانی و فلانیپریم رو میبخشم!” ای بابا پس خبر قبولی چی؟ من شیرینی میخوام خب.
ادامهشو میخونم: «… بیا ببخشیمشان و برایشان جورابهای مرغوب و اعلایی بخریم!» لبهام رو محکم روی هم فشار میدم که صدای خندهم بلند نشه. احساس خفگی براتون تعریفشدهست؟!
یکی از همکارها میگه: “چای پرید تو گلوتون؟ نفس بکشید. بچهها! برید خانم فرزین رو صدا کنید بیاد بزنه پشتش.” احساس میکنم کبود شدهم. واقعا نمیفهمه از خندهست؟! فکر اینکه همهی حاضران در جلسه، با این تشکیلات و عناوینی که قبل از اسمشون میاد، اگه یه جفت جوراب هدیه بگیرن، چه شکلی میشن، نمیذاره نیشم بسته بشه! سریع جمعوجور میشم و میگم: “خانم فرزین تا از طبقهی هشتم برسه به زیرزمین، طرف نفسش رفتهها!” این الههی نبوغ اصلا متوجه موقعیت نیست.
sms میدم بهش، میگم: «فرزانه! شما رفتی خبر قبولیتو بیاری یا آبروی منو توی اداره ببری؟» دوباره sms میده. بنفش میشم، سبز، نارنجی، آبی… فرانک میگه: “چی شده؟” میگم: “هیچی. sms تبریکآمیزانهی روز مرد بود مثلا! امیدوارم عاقل باشه و اینو برای نامزدش نفرسته، وگرنه طفلی با خاک یکسان میشه!”
شام خونهی داییاینا دعوتیم. خسته و کوفته میرم اونوری؛ یعنی وری که میرسه به خونهی دایی. قصهی زندگیش «لیلی و مجنون»گونهست؛ حتی هنوز، بعد از ۱۰ سال. اما امشب یه جورایی هستن. انگار دلخوری حاکمه. به دایی چشمک میزنم یعنی «چی شده؟». اشاره میکنه که «دنبالم بیا». میریم حیاط.
شروع میکنه:
– به خدا نمیدونم چی شده. از روز مادر، سرسنگین شده.
– روز زن براش هدیه گرفتید؟
– آره به خدا. یه ساعت با هم دیده بودیم. همونو گرفتم.
– دایی! راستشو بگید. لیلی که الکی دلخور نمیشه. یه کاری کردید. اونو بهم بگید، ببینم چی کار میتونم بکنم براتون.
با تردید میگه:
– خب… من… روز زن چند تا sms بهش زدم. البته چیز خاصی نبودها. شوخی بود. نمیدونم. یعنی میگی از اونا ناراحت شده؟
به به! دوباره دایی جان فاجعه آفریدهاند. طفلی در هالهای از ابهام هم پیچیده شده که الان موضوع چیه دقیقا؟!
میگم: “بیشتر ما معتقدیم که پشت هر شوخیای یه مقدار چاشنی جدیت هست! حالا چی فرستادید؟” پیام رو نشونم میده و میگه: “نوشتم: «بزرگان گفتهاند با زن مشورت نکنید، عقل زن ناقصه. برای همین ازت نمیپرسم چی برات بخرم! D:».” همینجوری مات و مبهوت نگاهش میکنم…
– واقعا اینو فرستادید؟! چرا فکر میکنید میتونید هرچی دوست دارید، بگید و آخرش یه دونقطهD بذارید و انگار نه انگار؟
– دیدم جواب نداد، گفتم شاید ناراحت شده. خواستم بخندونمش. یکی دیگه فرستادم: «امروز سالروز پرتاب اولین زن به فضاست. به امید پرتاب آخریش! روزت مبارک.»
یعنی خوشم میاد با نیت منتکشی هم خرابکاری میکنن! هفت شهر عشق را اون دوست عزیزمون آباد کرد، ما هنوز اندر شرّ این smsهاییم!
– دایی جان! منو روشن کنید. هدف، تخریب بوده یا تبریک؟
– به خدا منظوری نداشتم. فقط میخواستم تبریکم کلیشهای نباشه.
– ای خارج کلیشه! ای غیرمترقبه! ای متفاوت! ای خرابکار! حالا یه sms بزنید خیلی شیکوپیک و مردونه بفرمایید که من از اشتباهم پشیمونم و معذرت میخوام که ناراحتت کردم.
یه کم مقاومت میکنه، اما وقتی برای نوشتن sms بهش تقلب میرسونم، کوتاه میاد. قراره وقتی از پیش زندایی برگشتم، براش بفرسته.
میرم توی آشپزخونه پیش زندایی.
– زندایی جان، دپسردهاید؟ خیر باشه.
– از دست این داییت. با این کاراش.
– خب اونو که خودتون خواستید! امید به بهبودش هم نداشته باشید زیاد. فکر کردم اتفاق جدیدی افتاده!
میخنده و میگه: “یه هفتهی تموم با کلی شوق و ذوق منتظر روز زن بودم. ببین چه smsهایی برای تبریک فرستاده.” و همون smsها رو توی گوشی زندایی هم میبینم. میگم: “زندایی جان، آخه چه توقعی دارید از اینا؟ شوخیهاشون مردونهست دیگه! شما جدی نگیرید. خواسته شما رو بخندونه، که تیرش به کاهدون خورده. حالا پشیمونه.” میگه: “همش هم تقصیر اون نیست. منم دلنازک شدم…”
میرم پیش دایی. میگم:
– شما لیلی و مجنون، ۸ سال با کل فامیل جنگیدید و دو تا خاندان رو معطل خودتون نگه داشتید. حالا ارزش داره بهخاطر دو تا sms مسخره اینجوری همدیگه رو برنجونید؟ اونم عوض تبریک روز زن و تشکر از زحمات و اینا!
– خب حالا اینقدر تحقیرم نکن. ازش معذرت خواستم.
– به قول یکی از بروبچههای فیلسوف «زنها میبخشند، اما فراموش نمیکنند.» از من میشنوید دیگه خودتون رو توی این موقعیت قرار ندید!
***
فرزانه از سر شب یکسره داره اس ام اس میفرسته، همش هم برای تبریک روز پدر مثلا! بعضیاش اینقدر بیبگونهست که درجا پاکشون میکنم. مثلا sms تبریکهها!
– فرزانه جان! اشتباه گرفتی. بابات آقای فرشاد خان و نامزدت آقای فرید آقاست. من مینام. متوجهی؟! این چندتاست؟!
– میدونم. من همینها رو داشتم. یه متن خوب داری برای تبریک؟
– خب از اول بگو. دیوانه نشی اینا رو برای کس دیگهای بفرستی…
– نه! اینا که قدیمیه. یه sms مردافکن جدید میخوام! داری؟
حالا بیا شصت ساعت براش توضیح بده که: “دختر جان! این جنگیدن گلادیاتورانه در فضای اس ام اس، چه دلخوریهایی که بین زوجهای چندینساله پیش نمیاره. حالا شما که هنوز زوج هم نشدید و آسیبپذیریتون بیشتره. با این توهینهای شوخیانه حریمها رو بین خودتون نشکنید و…” مگه قبول میکنه؟ اصلا کلا زندگی رو یه نمایش کمدی میبینه این آدم.
– کدوم توهین بابا؟ داریم شوخی میکنیم! جدی که نیست.
– وقتی شوخیشوخی میتونید به هم توهین کنید، پاش بیفته جدیجدی هم این کار رو میکنید.
امان از دست این جوونا که تا با مغز نرن تو دیوار، متنبه نمیشن ننهقلی! میگه: “جون فرزانه گیر نده. من دستم از دنیا کوتاهه. تو یه سر به نت بزن. یه چند تا sms تبریک جدید توپ برام بفرست.” هرچی میکشم از این دل مهربونه!
میرم نت. سرچ میکنم: «پیامک تبریک روز مرد». از بین تمام تالارها و انجمنها و سایتهای جورواجوری که باز میکنم، فقط توی یکیش چهار تا جملهی بهدردبخور پیدا میشه. بقیهش کـَلکـَلهای یه عده دختر و پسر تقریبا بچهست، که جهت روکمکنی همدیگه هی پای جنسیت رو کشیدن وسط، و به بهانهی روز زن و روز مرد، صفات وجود همدیگه رو مورد لطف قرار دادن!
دو تا از اون آدمیزادانهها براش میفرستم. در عرض سهسوتُمِ ثانیه جواب میده:
– اینا چیه بیمزه؟ لوس! رمانتیک نمیخوام. چالشی باشه!
– عزیزم! شما سنّی ازت گذشته. زشته بگومگوهای اطفال سایبر رو منتشر کنی. آخه بفهم! دیگه مزدوج شدی، حداقل وانمود کن عاقلتر شدی!
– من همهش ۲۴ سالمه. تازه فرید هم پسر باجنبهایه. اذیت نکن دیگه. میخوایم یه کم بخندیم فقط.
– همون! همش دنبال شوخی و خندهای. فرزانه جان! این دو روز رو به نام روز زن و مرد نامگذاری کردند که حداقل سالی یه بار یادمون بیفته الگومون باید کیها باشن.
– سختش نکن. بذار دور هم باشیم!
خدایا من تا کی زندهام این چیزا رو به اینا بگم؟؟؟ چرا هیشکی نمیفهمه من چی میگم…؟!
منبع: چارقد
توجه:
این سایت کاملا شخصی بوده و وابسته به هیچ نهادی نمی باشد و تمام هزینه های آن توسط مدیر سایت پرداخت می شود کمک مالی شما (هرچند اندک) می تواند باعث ادامه فعالیت سایت و دلگرمی ما برای ادامه این حرکت فرهنگی شود
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